Assume the Good

Able, Acceptance

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am.”

            -Thomas Merton

Last week I had the opportunity to attend a training session at my work on Emotional
Intelligence. I spent five years studying Interpersonal Communication, so I ate this one up! During the training, we were asked to take an assessment on how effectively we perceive others and ourselves. My perception of others and their communication with me was off the charts. I can read people well, relate to how they are feeling, and know how to work effectively with them. However, when it comes to knowing who I am and how I’m feeling, well, I kind of suck at it. I realized after taking this assessment that I often base my opinion of myself off of what others think of me, whether they communicate their feelings toward me verbally or I perceive it from their actions and behaviors. This, of course, is an extremely risky way to build a self-assessment. I can spend half of my day feeling awesome because I’m around happy, positive people, and then turn around and walk around with a dark cloud hanging over my head because I was around a negative, critical person. That’s just no way to live. But, that is how I’ve lived my life.

So, I think I, finally, have found a real purpose for this blog. Discovering who I am and helping that person shine through. I heard from someone that it shouldn’t be a focus on what I want to do – because making a to do list that I just don’t have the time or energy to follow will just be disheartening. I should focus on what I want to be. So, this is what I will do.

As I was taking time to think this morning (which is a rare opportunity – to have enough solitude and quiet to actually think), I decided that today I would focus on being able and accepting. To be able, I will allow myself to believe that I can do just about anything. I actually took 5 minutes to do that 40-30-20-10 workout that boasts burning 100 calories, which seems to be a stretch (40 jumping jacks, 30 crunches, 20 squats, 10 pushups). I did it because I had a few minutes of waiting for my daughter this morning. I did it because I could, and it added just a little extra boost to my morning, giving me a bit more greatly needed energy. Allowing me to be able has also opened up the windows of my mind and made a better writer and communicator at work. I’ve had a pretty intense block the last while and it was wonderful to feel that freeing, able feeling.

In being accepting, I not only will let others be who they are and love them for it, but to let myself be who I am and love myself for it (it’s OK that I continuously leave my car keys by the kitchen sink!). Granted, I’m still figuring out who I am (well, I figured it out a long time ago, I’m reacquainting myself with me), but I am allowing myself to be absolutely accepting of the person I am and love the person I am.

I have to say, that this new way of looking at things has been very freeing. I’ve felt happier today than I have in quite some time. My self worth does not stem on what others think of me or on how they perceive me. They don’t know every part of me and have no leg to stand on in their judgments. Nor do they have a right to judge me – especially negatively. Only I truly know myself and only once I fully come to love and accept the person I am will other areas of my life come in order and bring joy to me and those around me.

This Face

Today was just awesome. We, collectively as a family, did absolutely nothing and are now refreshed and ready for the week (which will be a short work week - hurray!). We did find some time to make the most delicious chocolate chip cookies, however, so it wasn't a complete waste of a day.

And, this happened...

My little guy has been having teeth fall out left and right. It usually takes months for one to finally make it out (he's unsually patient), but this one just popped right out today. It's seriously a big deal in our house because he's my oldest and this is the first time I've really been through the whole losing baby teeth thing. I usually get ridiculously sentimental about the whole thing, holding his little tooth in my hand, thinking about how it was in his mouth when he was a chunky little one-year-old. Which is gross, really. I'd never in a million years stick my fingers in his mouth, but there I am cradling this little 7-year-old tooth...

It was fun getting pictures of him. He hates the flash on the camera and starts pulling faces like Chandler on that one episode of Friends when he and Monica went to get their engagement pictures...

This was one of my favorites, though:

He's such a handsome boy. He's got to stop growing up so fast. I just don't know what to do! He turns eight this week and will be celebrating his birthday Avenger style (I still have NO idea what I'm going to have planned, by the way). He has way too much faith in me and my party-planning abilities.
So, here's to my boy and his toothless grin. :)

Emerging

Don't you hate it when you start up a blog and then fall off the map?

I went through a sort of funk for about six weeks. No good explanation, maybe just the rebound effect of intense stress. And then, it took me about two weeks to sort of 'repair' from that massive funk. But, it has past and I'm in a better place than I've been maybe ever. And considering that there are some very unsettling circumstances in the temporal parts of my life, that's saying a lot. The things that are most important to me - my family, my marriage, my health - physically and spiritually - are being well tended. It's those things that I have absolutely no control over that are in a giant flux. But, what can I do about things I can't control? Just come up with a strong safety net...
Enough about all of this. Sorry if it's cryptic. I hate cryptic posts, but it's something I can't talk about because, frankly, I should have never known in the first place... Ugh, the life of someone who has their hands in more information than they wish they did.

Anyway. On to happier things. I've decided long term goals for me at he moment are absolutely impossible - unless I want to constantly rub my own inadequacies in my face. So, I'm focusing on little daily feats. After all, by small and simple things are great things brought to pass. My goal for tomorrow is to maintain this peace that I am so blessed with in such a crazy time and not let myself get rattled by the said uncontrolled circumstances eluded to above.

September - Tune In

I read somewhere that September is the new January - another opportunity to start fresh. Routines are solidifying and everyone has something to do and I am certainly seeking ways to follow through with my personal and family tasks in a much more effective manner.

I had a plan for what my happiness project for September would be and then I had a total paradigm shift that left me kind of grasping for goals that would better fit my current needs and help me grow in ways that are absolutely necessary at this time.

As a preface to my explanation of how I came to decide upon my goals, I will tell you that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (yep, like Mitt). On the first Sunday of each month, we have the opportunity to fast - go without meals or drinks for 2-3 meals and donate the money we would have spent on those meals to a fund set aside specifically for the needy. Fasting is difficult, but always provides me with wonderful insight that I doubt I would have received otherwise. Today I fasted for some specific guidance and throughout the day continued to hear the scripture "...by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I still haven't found out specifically what that means - perhaps just that I don't need to do anything grandiose to improve myself, rather small and simple things.

So, here are my goals for the month of September:

Read scriptures daily
I do set aside time for it each day in my OCD day planning, but never seem to actually sit down and do it. It really does enrich my life when I make the time for it. I'm more in tune with myself and with the spirit and can just seem to handle life better.

See people/situations as they are
I have the problem with internalizing/projecting my feelings. When I feel a certain way about my self (ex: disappointed), I immediately assume that everyone else does, too. When I don't particularly like myself or think I look fat, I think everyone else feels the same way, piling on the misery. Really, this is my number one problem in life. I don't see things as they are, I see them a I am (see more here). I know that I can stop doing this - it just takes a lot of self-control.
I also want to see the best in the people around me - to recognize that each and every person is a child of God and give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to do their very best.

Love with patience and optimism
Everyone deserves a little patience. I need to count to 10 more and give the people around me a chance before casting judgment, as mentioned above. I also need to stop allowing myself to focus on the negative. Not only does it make me feel icky, but I know it pushes people away. I will start conversations on a positive note. If I have something negative to say, I'll say 3 positive things first.

Be open - don't control - allow things to happen in their own way
When things get stressful, I become a control freak. I try to perfectly orchestrate things so that nothing can go awry. Unfortunately, keeping such tight reigns on my life is not only exhausting, but also takes the magic out of living. Wonderful things happen on their own all of the time when you're not forcing things along. You're able to experience a little whimsy and sometimes the best memories come out of spontaneity. Also, when I loosen the reigns, I allow the Lord to have more of a hand in my life and allow Him to lead me on the paths that will make me into a better me - that make my weaknesses strengths.

I will keep tabs via my own little accountability chart to remind me to do these things each day and hope that these goals will make me a happier, more edified me next month at this time.

I also want to record on this blog my Intuitive Eating process, but will hold off on that for another post. It's going to be separate from my happiness project, but just as important.

Happy September!

Mission

Silver Lining

Stress.

I am totally stressed. And, I really need to vent. Hope you don't mind. But, I have a little rule with my kids that when the complain, they have to rattle off three good things about what they're complaining about. I want them to grow up with positive attitudes and not be little pessimists. So, in the spirit of avoiding hypocrisy (and keeping up with the happy theme I'm trying to maintain here), here I go...

I am in charge of a HUGE event at my work. An event that happens only once every seven years and it's in 17 days. I've been at my job for a little more than three months and have built this event into the awesomeness that it's going to be. Everything's coming together, but there are still some loose ends. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this event. In short, I'm kind of freaking out like all of the time. And, then there are the people who have already been to prior such events who just aren't interested in going because they've 'been there, seen that,' even though mine is going to be WAY better. They'll be missing out. And then there's the friend of mine who's being a total jerk face about the whole thing and mocking it every time I turn around. Seriously - he's like that stupid kid who taunts a snarling dog. Keep it up, and you're going to get snapped at. I've had to exercise immense self control around him.
Good things:
1. I'm not married to the punk. His poor wife. So grateful for my wonderful husband who knows better (and just has more sense and isn't a total social retard) and wouldn't keep acting like an idiot after seeing that it clearly annoys me.
2. This event WILL go off without a hitch. I know it.
3. In 18 days, it will be done and I will have relief. I'll also probably be sick. Just watch. September 16. Anyone want to take bets?

School has started. I have a kindergartener who is in half a day and it's heartbreaking for me not to spend that time with her, a 2nd grader who's had a hard first week after an over-indulged summer, an 8th grader who's going through 8th grade drama, and my husband in his 2nd year of nursing school and the zombification that it holds.
1. I have children. Every day I'm so so so grateful to have them and to be their mother. I feel like I was specially blessed with my children.
2. My husband's in his 2nd year of nursing school - we're almost done (sort of)! The school he's going to is impossible to get in and he's almost done with this program! Seriously, even with his 4.0, he didn't get in until his second try.
3. I'm not an 8th grader anymore. Nor will I ever have to be. Halleluiah!

On top of school, we have piano lessons, dance classes, and (soon) cub scouts to truck everyone to. And, let me tell you, dance shoes/clothes for two girls.... well, I don't even want to talk about that.
1. My girls are in dance. I danced. It's so good for you - body, mind, spirit, identity - everything.
2. My son is a very talented pianist. I know, I sound like a mom tooting her own horn, but it's true. Just ask his teacher.
3. We can provide these things for our family.

This darn blog. I love to write. I'm one of those truly weird people who just love it. That's why I'm keeping this blog. That, and it's my own happiness project - an opportunity for me to record my growth. But, seriously, no one reads this thing and a girl needs a little ego stroking every now and again. I think my readership is 1 person. Whoever you are, thank you (most likely mom or dad...). Of course, it could just be me checking my blog before signing in to post something...
1. It's an opportunity for me to be creative. Creativity breeds more creativity.
2. There is a slight possibility that maybe some day somebody might read it and take something positive from it. Maybe.
3. It's a great sounding board for me. I'm highly visual. When I read things I understand them. When I write down my feelings, I understand myself.

And, finally, the stress bloat. Something horrible happens to my body when I stress. I bloat. Like a balloon. I'm sure it's not that bad, but I sure notice it. I don't think it's weight gain (wouldn't know, I've created a new rule about the scale - we don't talk) because the only place affected is my abdomen. My digestion gets all whacked out when I'm stressed. I'll stop there to save you, singular reader. But, I bloat out and some of my cute pants don't button and then I get sad and more stressed and bloat out some more.
1. This will pass. The big event will be over and I'll deflate.
2. I can honestly say that I'm generally the same size I've always been. I've never been model thin - never will be - but I still wear the same size jeans that I did in high school.
3. Seriously, how is it possible to find a 3rd silver lining to stress bloat?!

Sunday Gratitude

Today I am grateful for...

• My super awesome husband - he's ever so patient with me and spent hours playing legos with our son and made some mean omelets. He's also the perfect person to make fun of Twilight movies with. 
• The sweet spirit in our home.
• A wonderful Sunday nap.
• The over-abundance of our garden.
• My super sweet boy and spunky little girl.

We see the world as we are, not as it is.

Have you ever noticed that most of your interactions are a direct reflection of your own personal attitude? If you're in a happy mood, the world seems to be a happier place. But, if you're in an awful mood, everyone's just a jerk. For example, I hate Walmart. HATE IT. But, I still go there and whenever I do I always find myself having an internal gripe session about how awful the people there are. Could it just be that they are all totally normal people and that it's just my own attitude that is creating this image?
I had the best experience this morning. I walked/ran the Ogden River Parkway Trail (or some of it - it's quite long). It was so beautiful - the weather was cool, the wind was blowing off the mountains, I could see some trees changing colors in the canyon up ahead, and I had finally found a trail that my dog could handle without any anxiety (no cars nearby - he's kind of a wuss). It just made my spirit happy. And, about 80% of the people who I passed smiled at me and said, "Good morning." I kept thinking to myself, "Wow, everyone here is in such a great mood, I wonder what the difference is between today and every other time that I've come here." And then I realized - it's me. I was feeling happier and that was reflected in the attitudes of those around me. Apparently I wear my emotions on my sleeve and just through a slight change in my facial expressions (or the state of my hair, I've been told), anyone can tell what I'm feeling. When I'm happy, I look happy, when I'm not, I don't. And, perhaps those times that I'm stressed about the behaviors of others, I'm creating it by holding a preconceived notion about their behaviors and creating an unapproachableness about myself. I mean, who would want to smile at and greet a Downer Debbie? Seriously, it's all self-fulfilled prophesy. I - most of the time - have complete control over what kind of experiences I'm going to have in my own little personal world by my own attitude. We all do.

Why this blog?

In the title of my blog, I have the Buddhist quote, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." In just three days, I have had experiences that have made me want to be more teachable, to transcend myself, and the learning moments have just flowed into my life. My teacher has appeared.

I created this blog probably months ago. I wanted to write, but I didn't know what to write about - and I liked the title. So, I snagged it up and waited. I've blogged before - mostly about my family and adorable children, but this blog will be different. While they will make occasional appearances, this blog will focus on my growth as I seek greater satisfaction in my life.

Two days ago, I had probably the grumpiest, most frustrating day I've had in quite some time. I overslept, got ready in record time (30 minutes is amazing for me), had a stressful day at work, came home to grumpy bumpkins, and ran everyone and their dog to a different activity throughout the evening until at the end of the night I was in tears from sheer exhaustion. The one bright spot of my day was during my 7:30 p.m. trip to Costco with my exhausted little ones in tow, when a book, "The Happiness Project" screamed out at me and begged me to take it home. It felt like serendipity. I rarely look through the books - especially when I'm in a huge hurry - but it was there by itself - no other copies around - and it magically ended up in my hands and then my cart and has since taken up residence in my purse to be perused at every available opportunity. I'm only on my 3rd chapter and already I'm inspired. And I have something to write about.

The next day I woke up exhausted, dragged myself to work, which took me from meeting to meeting. During a short break I received a call from my husband, informing me that my 90-year-old grandmother, my only living grandparent, had passed away. My immediate reaction was, of course, heartbreak. But, not for the obvious reasons. I have a belief system that insures me that I will see my loved ones after this life and that they will be united with those that they love who have already passed on. I've always been able to enjoy a certain measure of peace when I've lost someone dear to me. I was sad, however, because I never really had a chance to tell her goodbye.
My family moved to Utah from Texas five years ago and it was one of the most emotionally difficult situations of my life. I love Texas. It is my home. My family has lived there since before it was established as a state. I have deep roots there and it is a part of me. And, the people are amazing. On top of all of this, my daughter was only 3 months old and I was still wading through all of those powerful post-pregnancy emotions. When it was time to go, I avoided goodbyes the best I could. I wanted to believe that I'd be back soon enough and be able to see everyone again when I was in a more stable emotional state. I haven't had a chance to make it back yet. I never gave her a proper goodbye.
Throughout the entire day yesterday, my mind went through the courses of her life. I've tried to learn as much as I could about her life recently - it's been a mystery for quite some time - mostly because it was rather difficult. But, I feel like I've been able to learn a lot about who she was and what she went through. And, I thought, how quickly it must have passed for her. And how quickly my life is passing. I feel like I was 14 years old just yesterday and that was 20 years ago. I want to relish in every moment of my life and find joy in it and treasure my time with those I love.

So, in accordance with "The Happiness Project," I have created my list of "resolutions," though I hate that word. Everyone breaks resolutions. I want to make them my areas of improvement. Each month I will focus on a new area, adding upon what I had been working on. In the book, she focuses on something new each month for a year, but I don't think I'll give myself a limitation. I like constant improvement.

My 'areas of improvement' currently are as follows (not in any particular order):

• Wisdom
• Creativity
• Confidence
• Loving Patience (Charity) - particularly as a wife and mother
• House of Happiness & Order
• ...but loosen the OCD reigns
• Energy
• Peace
• Breaking Barriers
• Friendship
• Faith
• Healthy Body & Mind

I don't know if this blog will garner any level of readership. I would love it if it did, but in all honesty, I am most excited about this opportunity to learn and grow as I post about my experiences through this process.